


speaking from experience

by stjimmys



Series: american idiot [1]
Category: American Idiot - Green Day/Armstrong
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Drugs, Death, Guns, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Guns, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Suicide, everyones clean, im literally so upset about this fanfiction, im very sorry for all of this pain, no drugs yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2385635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stjimmys/pseuds/stjimmys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when something major happens in jingletown, jimmys the last one to find out about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	speaking from experience

**Author's Note:**

> dont touch me tunny is my child and so is jimmy why cant we have nice things again oh yeah because i write this type of stuff

Tunny didn't come to school today. It took me until lunch to find out what happened the day before. All through my morning classes I waited, expecting Will - he's in my English class during 2nd period - or Johnny - we're in the same music class during 3rd - to explain why I hadn't seen Tunny during 1st - Geometry - or 4th - History. I had to wait until after practice during my fifth period study hall to finally get the chance to talk to either of them about it. As soon as I got into the lunchroom I stepped towards the Usual Suspects table. The only good thing about the table is that they allow me there now.

Everyone was dead silent when I reached it. Some of my old posse, now dressed in red white or blue, were even quiet while the others spoke in whispers. But I'm not on top anymore, I can't just ask what everyone's talking about. Johnny's on top, the Jesus of Suburbia. I leaned my palms against the table and waited, waited for anything to be said. I needed to know, it was bothering me so much. My mind had been drifting the whole day, coming up with ideas of what happened with him yesterday, but they all seemed to be unreal. He had to get his other leg removed? No way. Moved? Nope. Is he...died? No fucking way. I glanced towards the football table, where I would be if I actually cared.

Will and Johnny were standing there, speaking quietly and explaining something to them all. None of them looked happy with the information. Some of them were speechless, shocked expressions and all. When they finished, they were still somber as they came back over to the Usual Suspects. I know I was wondering what the hell was wrong with Tunny, but now I was actually worried about him more. What the hell happened? Why is everyone so quiet about it? Why am I the only one that doesn't know?

Johnny sat down beside Will, Tunny's seat abandoned and even ignored. Empty. You'd think someone would take the empty space and make it their own, but not here. And even if someone did, Will would probably kick them off. Johnny's eyes were shining, his cheeks damp. Will was emotionless. Not speaking at all, and it looked like he wasn't even breathing. Maybe he wasn't.

I slipped in across from the two of them, this space usually never used to Johnny, Will and Tunny have a clear view of the cafeteria. Not for now, though. I reached across the space between us and tapped my fingernails against the tabletop, getting Johnny's attention in a beat. "Hey," I whispered. "Where's Tunny?"

I don't use his nickname, 'Cap', anymore. Nor do I call Johnny 'Johnny Boy' or Will 'William'.Brings back too many memories of two years ago. Now we all go by first names - me included. No more Saint J, St. Jimmy, or Jay as I was also called from time to time. It's just Jimmy now. No relation to from before. No one wants that. I don't want that either.

Johnny hasn't learned to trust me per-say, but he's used to me being around now. Since I don't look as threatening, it helps. I think. He blinks at me, confused at who he's staring at. Like I'm not here, or he's seeing someone else. The old me, I don't know for sure. I repeat myself.

"Johnny. Where's Tunny? I haven't seen him all day," my voice was hushed now. I've gotten to the point that if I talk like I used to, I'll get looks. So, I talk quieter now. It's easier that whatever growls I made two years ago. "Is he okay?"

Johnny winced as soon as I said Tunny's name again, and I took it as a sign. Maybe I shouldn't ask him about it. I turned my head to Will, who wasn't looking at me or Johnny. He was more focused on his pant legs than the conversation that was currently one-sided.

The relationship I had with Will before I got clean was rare - as in we barely saw each other. Other than the times at lunch or in the classroom doing group work we barely spoke, but now were on this plain of 'you're a nice guy, if you want I'll buy you a beer next time I see you'. More like I'll buy you a Slurpee from 711 the next time I see you, but you get the picture. Technically, we're friends. Kind of. I went to get Will's attention when Johnny spoke up.

"His brother -" he didn't finish his sentence, only bit his bottom lip and rubbed his face. I blinked, once, twice until image flashed in my head. Behind bars, in a car wreck, doing drugs, drinking, dead -

I stopped.

Dead.

D-e-a-d.

Not living. Asleep. Buried. Deceased. Late. Lifeless. Cold. Departed. Stiff. Bereft of life. Bloodless. Bought the farm. Breathless. Cadaverous. Checked out. Cut off. Defunct. Done for. Erased. Expired. Extinct. Gone to meet his maker. Inanimate. Inert. Liquidated. Mortified. No more. Not existing. Offed. Out of one's misery. Passed away. Perished. Reposing. Resting in peace.

Dead? That's not true, he was just playing Wednesday on the field with Tunny and the whole team. I saw him.

I've mt him a couple times. He name? Trenton. Year in high school? Senior. Just getting ready for graduation in a few days. He is - was - on the Senior football team, won the games when you thought you were done for. I saw him before I left and got clean, since being on the football team you had to have this type of meet and greet with all of the football teams. He saw right through my facade and called me Jimmy for the whole time. I'm used to it now at least. But why is he dead? Why did he die? I swallowed and looked back at Will. He gave me the most somber expression, and spoke.

"He...he killed himself, man," he seemed to be choking on his words, and I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. I didn't want to know anymore, and I could tell Johnny was getting more uncomfortable by the second.

I carefully moved my hand from Will's shoulder to Johnny's, trying to tell him in some way that I'm not gonna press anymore. I already understand. I squeezed my palm lightly against his shoulder, pulled away and stood up. "I've got to go."

Will was the first one to stand up after me, right behind him was Johnny. "Don't go to his place, dude, he's gonna kill you." It's kind of weird to have Will out of everyone in this lunchroom looking out for me, but he's right - but I'm not gonna listen. Johnny's there to add his own thoughts on top of Will's.

"Take me with you," he was whispering, which wasn't a surprise. But I could barely hear him. "I need to check on him."

I had my reasons for going to Tunny's place. Not just because I want to get out of class - that's not even the half of it. I was actually more concerned with Tunny himself. Sure, maybe that sounded very unlike me. It was - and sort of still is. This is Tunny we're talking about here.

I shook my head, looking at Johnny. There was no way in Hell I was going to bring Johnny along with me. "I need to go check on him, Johnny. I'll just check on him and then I'll text you guys with an update."

One of the many good things that came out of getting clean along with the obvious was that Will and Johnny gave me their numbers. It was more of an agreement between out own parents than us alone, and as far as I know Tunny pleaded with his mum not to have to give his number to me. Our parents exchanged numbers instead. The most awkward thing in the world to me now is to answer the phone on the weekend for your mother, and instead of expecting a commercial caller, and instead hear Tunny's stone-cold voice ask if my mum is around.

"Okay, but dude, seriously. He'll maim you if you go over the house. His parents are home but that won't stop him from skinning you alive," Will called after me quick and sharp as I moved away from the table. "And his parents'll call yours telling them you're at his place and you're gonna get detention for cutting class-"

"Will, I get it. But I just really need to check on him. It's important," I began. I had a list of things to say. But Johnny broke my sentence in two.

"Why do you need to see him, Jimmy," his wording was harsh, and hearing him use my name like that sliced right through me. "Why."

I sighed, turned and looked at them both. Will still looked like he was going to tackle me in any second, and Johnny was going to pound me any second.  
Do I dare ever begin to tell the truth here?

I do dare. "I get what he's going through, Johnny. I've been through it before, he need someone that's gone through this. I get it, you're his friends and care about him. But sometimes he's gonna need someone he can relate to." I let out a shaking sigh. There's the truth out of me. I just let it blow in the wind. And the whole lunchroom heard as well.

Will was stock-still, while Johnny was looking at me with the most confused expression. Neither of them believe me, I'm sure of it. So without a second thought I turned, went to the doors and walked out.

But not before hearing Johnny's and Will's words intertwine as the door began to shut.

"You had a brother?" and "I'm sorry." Playing over and over again, while I stepped out of the building, across the empty football field and the road leading out of the campus.

\---

I didn't take as long as I thought it could to reach Tunny' house. What took a while was trying to get to him. There was police tape laying on the ground, forgotten and turned up by tires. I ended up standing at their driveway for about fire minutes, imagining all of the police tape and sirens and flashing lights were still here, along with the house not being Tunny's, but being my own. I shook my head and began walking again.

I stepped over towards the front door, which was home to flowers that had been stepped on. Wow. Some people. I knocked and the door opened instantly. Tunny's mother was stood in the doorway, her hair messy and eyes red. Her eyes almost lit up when she saw me. Almost.

"Jimmy, shouldn't you still be in class." I had thought she was going to completely ignore the fact that I was out of school, and instead pull me inside. She did it anyway. "No, never mind. But why are you here, Jimmy We called Tunny out sick."

I sighed and wiped my shoes on the mat under my feet. "I was wondering if I could...see Tunny,: It sounded weird coming out of my mouth. Asking to see someone? Let along it being Tunny - it wasn't normal. "I was wanted to keep him company. If that's okay."

Tunny's mother nodded at my words. "Of course. he's in the spare - I mean, his bedroom, right now. He's resting, just knock on the door," she put a hand on my shoulder, smiling. "Thank you." It looked strained as all Hell. I nodded in thanks and started climbing the stairwell.

It seemed like I was in another house entirely now. It was quiet, and this one room was marked off with police tape. It seemed more like Halloween that nearly Summer with it around. I side-stepped and turned a corner, going down the hall until I reached a close door. it had this sign reading 'Tunman', which I've come to understand now. I walked up and stood for a moment. Why am I here? Am I here for Tunny? Or am I here for myself. Without taking my eyes off the door, I lifted a clenched fist and knocked twice. There was a snuffle, some sniffling, then a choked voice.

"Leave me alone!" I jumped back at the sound of his voice. He's crying, or at least had been crying.

Exactly what I expected. And exactly how I felt when it happened to me.

"Tunny, it's Jimmy...I wanna talk," I spoke as carefully as I could. Tunny is a ticking time bomb right ow. It I say something wrong, he's gonna explode and kill me. And I mean that literally. He will kill me. "Please."

He seemed to let out this choked laugh before sniffling his nose again. "I said leave me alone."

Figures. I let me hand lower from the door to the handle, and twisted the knob. I could already hear shuffling when I pushed the door and stepped into the frame.

It was a sight I knew well. Tunny in all his glory was sitting in the middle of a large mound of blankets and pillows, tissue boxes both half-full and empty strewn around him. The only different thing was the amount of Almond Joys that were piled in the corner of the bed. Everyone's got their own comfort food. he looked like a mess, too. From what I could tell, he was wearing a normal T-shirt and probably shorts. There were bags under his eyes, along with them being red and irritated with his nose. He saw me and stopped everything he was doing. His eyes were wide.

"I said leave me alone. Why don't you listen - don't come any closer!" Tunny shouted at me, but I ignored him. He was going to have to roll with the tension, like I was right now. I stepped into the room fully and shut the door behind me. That was when Tunny began shaking. "Don't come over here!" His voice was shaking and afraid, and I understood his fear so much. The only problem was that I couldn't make it stop.

I came closer, nearing the end of the bed. he was already scrambling towards the headboard, tissue boxes and candy wrappers falling to the floor. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was happening right in front of me, not to me. I didn't understand - had this been what I looked like through other people's eyes?

Without a thought I stepped forward and climbed up onto the bed, sitting on my legs by the edge. Now I could hear and see everything - Tunny's fast-beating heart, the panicking, frantic breaths he took, the tears gently slipping down his cheeks, the sniffling of his nose. I felt like I had done this, all of this to him, when in actuality - it was none of my doing.

"I told you not to come closer, why don't you listen you dumbass?!" He shouted, covering his face quickly as soon as the first sob erupted form his throat. He spoke muffled behind his palms. "Don't touch me, don't get any fucking closer."

I sighed long and hard after he spoke. I wouldn't have ever wanted to do this in the past. Back when I was Saint Jimmy, I would have left school at the normal time, headed home and smoked a cigarette - not caring about Tunny's well-being. But now? I'm doing my best to help him out. Key words 'doing my best'. 

"Tunny, I know what you're going through," I whispered, already knowing full-well that I should have prepared myself for this. "I know what this feels like."

"Bull," Tunny lifted his head up, staring at me with his big green eyes. They were already spilling tears over the edges, and I resisted reaching over and wiping them away. Instead, I reached for the nearest tissue box and pulled one out, holding it for him. He tore it from my fingers, pressing the tissue into his face and covering his eyes again. "Complete and utter bull."

"I'm telling the fucking truth here," I hissed out, rubbing my face for a moment. I heard Tunny shift where he was and I pulled my hands away to look over at him. He was shaking. Again. Great. "Tunny, look at me."

He shook his head at me, eyes shiny and clear. His tears were waiting to spill over onto his cheeks, I knew it. "You're an only child, everyone knows that you dumbass. Don't try to come up with some fake-ass person just to 'help' me."

"He wasn't fake!" I shouted, widening my eyes at him. Was he serious? "He was my 18 year old brother who fucking shot himself because some assholes were putting him through so much shit that he ended his own life with a bullet in the head. Do you really think I would come up with something like that? Just to make you out of everyone feel better? Really? I know I used to be an asshole and still am in your eyes, but I'm not gonna come up with a fake sibling just so I can make you or anyone feel better. I'm talking from fucking experience with this shit," I could hear the sound of my voice cracking in my ears and I wanted to make it stop, but I couldn't. It isn't that easy. "He...offed himself for probably the same reasons your brother did and I was in the same fucking situation as you are now." I sniffled, feeling my eyes water. I hadn't cried about this since he did the deed, and I sure as hell didn't cry in front of anyone when I did end up letting my eyes go like this.

Tunny was still staring at me dead in the eyes with his own, the tears already having spilled over and dripping onto the bed sheets. He was silent - why, I don't know. I wiped my eyes quickly with my sleeve, already feeling tears going down my face. Figures. I don't cry in front of anyone for so long, then I talk about my brother once and my eyes are like a fucking waterfall.   
"What was his name."

I moved my arm away from my eyes, looking at Tunny for a moment. Had he said that? Had Tunny, football team captain, and the one who still hates me with a passion - and I understand exactly why - and was asking me for my brothers' name...was he getting soft? Towards me? I blinked, breathing in and out carefully. "Jakob," I whispered. I didn't trust myself to speak any louder. "His name was Jakob."

Tunny nodded and wiped his own eyes, and even reached over and passed me a tissue. I took it reluctantly - I didn't trust the gesture, it was unlike Tunny. At least, it wasn't like him towards me. Towards anyone else, sure. Normal. But not me. "I'm sorry."

"For what," I blew my nose and tried to toss the tissue into the nearby garbage. I missed. "Calling my deceased brother fake?" That was probably his reason. 

"No," he looked straight at me, dead in the eyes again. It was creepy, but I'd have to take it. It was Tunny. "For making you cry. I'm sorry."

I bit my lips, staring back at him. He was sorry for that? "It's - it's cool," It was hard not to laugh, really. He was sorry for something he couldn't stop in the first place. I cleared my throat quickly, sitting up and getting off the bed. "Look, Tunny. If you wanna talk about it, just - ask me." I raised my hand up a little, giving a wave. I half expected myself to use my old Saint Jimmy Finger gun instead, but I'm glad I didn't. If I had, I would have ran out of there. Tunny nodded and took my wave as goodbye. It was. As he curled back under the covers, I considered telling him that Will and Johnny were gonna probably come by after school, but I thought better of it. Plus, he all but passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

"See you later, Tunny," I slipped back out into the hallway, shut the door as quietly as I could manage and stared at the door for a moment. "I'm sorry, too."

**Author's Note:**

> ive got so many more american idiot fanfictions to write dont mind me hope you enjoyed this


End file.
